The Happy Tale of Voldemort and Bellatrix
by Inkfire
Summary: This is the disgusting, OOC, nauseating, sick, lovey-dovey tale of Voldemort, Bellatrix and their darling daughter Mary-Sue. Co-written with APieceOfGumIsNotStuckInMyHair, rated M because it's guaranteed to be the worst fic you'll ever read. You're warned
1. Introduction

**All right, so this is a Bellamort parody I wrote with the awesome APieceOfGumIsNotStuckInMyHair. We both are diehard Bellamort fans and we were discussing the scary, OOC, disgusting stuff people can turn this awesome ship into, and then we started coming up with examples trying to make the other throw up, and somewhere along the line we decided that publishing it would actually be pretty funny, so here you go :D **

**Feel free to flame; it would make us laugh even harder. But feel free to review positively, too, because honestly, I wouldn't say that for a fic only my own, but that stuff we came up with is frighteningly good :D **

**Lots of love to the readers. You are brave, brave people. (hands brain bleach) Please don't puke all over the review button. This website messes up often enough as it is. **

**PS: The first chapter is kinda short, we know, but… consider it a taster.  
Or, rather, a warning.**

Voldemort kissed his daughter's pink little belly before setting her back in her green-and-silver crib. He then grabbed the radiant mother by the waist and started licking her Dark Mark sexily before kissing her tenderly. They retreated to their bed for hours of slow, soft love.

The next morning Bellatrix was awakened by Voldemort kissing her lips softly. 'Good morning, beautiful', he said. She smiled, and rolled on top of him. He grinned, and were just about to kiss her when Mary-Sue began crying softly. They were by her side in an instant, worry carved into their faces. Thankfully, though, Mary-Sue stopped crying at the sight of them, instead she beamed adorably. She was stunning with her shiny red eyes and the messy curls: she could make any werewolf melt with devotion.  
Voldemort giggled upon seeing his tiny daughter reach out to him, wrapping her little fingers around his spidery hand. Such a curious and clever child - he wouldn't doubt that at age eleven, she would be ready to take the Mark and learn the fine art of torturing and killing from her highly skilled parents. His snaky face broke into a huge grin, he picked up the girl and held her tight.  
Suddenly, their marks burned.

**Are you poor readers all right? If you are, then please tell us exactly how horrible this was through the Review button.**


	2. In Which Things Gets Really Fucked Up

**First of all, dear readers, we thank you all for following this **! Also, we pity you. A lot. For your misfortune. Not to mention that we admire your idiocy: you seem to have some Gyffindor traits. Back to track - hey, that rhymes! In any case, we must once again make it clear to you exactly how horrid this is. Remember the previous chapter? Well, this one's worse.  
A lot worse.  
..You're still reading? Fool.  
*Hands another bottle of brain bleach*  
Good luck.  
(You'll need it)**

Voldemort's face suddenly darkened in deadly anger. Who was foolish enough to interrupt his precious family time? The tall snake-like man snapped his fingers once, and the bright lights of the room grew dim until the atmosphere became gloomy enough to fit such a Dark wizard. Voldemort handed Mary-Sue to Bellatrix very carefully, and then snapped his fingers again. Minutes later, Lucius Malfoy Apparated into the room. Without even bothering to ask the reason for his irruption, Voldemort pointed his wand at him and shrieked "Crucio"! Lucius was sent writhing and screeching to the floor. Bellatrix approached carefully, holding Mary-Sue so that she could witness and appreciate her father's handiwork. The baby giggled and pointed at Lucius. Bella kicked the man in the face to hear more of her darling daughter's delightful laughter. Voldemort then killed Lucius with a lazy move of his wand before walking over and tickling Mary-Sue's belly. They were so taken in the sweetness of the moment that none of them heard the shouts and the bangs coming from the lower floors of the building, as if a fight were taking place. Suddenly, the door burst open and Harry Potter stumbled in. 'I'm sorry about that, 's just that it sort of slipped out of my that Ginny have been gaining a bit of weight lately, so she Bat-Bogey'ed me, and-' His eyes fell on Mary-Sue. 'Is that her? Why, she's adorable! Can I hold her?' 'Of course', said Bellatrix, 'Just don't drop her, or you'll find yourself on the wrong end of my Cruciatus!' Everyone laughed - even Mary-Sue giggled a bit. 'Don't worry, I'll be careful', grinned Harry. Voldemort laughed again, and gave his daughter to Harry.  
Harry smiled at the red-eyed angel with cray, black hair. 'Oh, who's the cutest li'l baby girl in the whole wide world? You are! Yes, you are!' He then kissed the child on the forehead, before he handed her back to her parents.  
'Do you want to be Mary-Sue's godfather, Harry?' Voldemort asked sweetly.  
'Er, love to, but I'm already going to be Teddy Lupin's, y'know, so that the poor kid always has someone if some psycho decides to kill his parents for some reason... so that would be a bit too much of a responsability, eh? Besides I'm sure you guys understand, your kid will be way better protected.'  
Mary-Sue started whining from rejection, Voldemort's eyes flashed with outrage. 'I certainly understand, Harry,' he said softly, 'but unfortunately, li'l Teddy is going to end up even more alone now.'  
With a sharp move of his wand Harry dropped dead to the floor.  
'It doesn't matter, my love,' Bellatrix said seriously, rocking Mary-Sue against her chest. 'The whole thing was dumb anyway. Who needs religion when you're the daughter of a God?'  
Voldemort blushed. 'Thanks, my darling,' he said, looking down, 'but even though I'm practically a God, I still want to do some things properly. Like, making you a honest woman.' He got down on one knee then, pulling out a very large, emerald-covered ring.  
'Oooooooh, sweetheart!' Bellatrix shrieked, almost dropping the baby in her delight, 'can I kill Roddy now? can I? can I?'  
'Bella, Bella, you need to learn patience,' Voldemort replied with a low chuckle. 'He'll be my best man, and then we can slaughter him as a party.'  
Bellatrix almost fainted at the sheer cruelty of her most generous Lord and lover.  
Some time afterwards, after having cuddled and coo'ed and fussed around Mary-Sue, Bellatrix and Voldemort put her back into her crib, and then they walked down the grand staircase together to the living room. Here they found Narcissa and Ginny grieving their lost husbands. Voldemort walked straight over to them with Bellatrix in tow, and then he announced with a broad smile that 'We're getting married!' Narcissa looked up from her handkerchief, Ginny from the picture of her and Harry's wedding day. 'Really? OMG, congratulations!' the two screamed in unison. They jumped up from their seats, and hugged the happy couple. 'I'm so happy for you, sister! For you too, my Lord!' squealed Narcissa. 'Just call me Tom', said Voldemort, 'We're family now, remember?' Ginny didn't say anything, she just hugged the two. 'So, who'll be the maid of honor?' Bellatrix and Voldemort froze. They hadn't thought of that! Oh dear, what were they going to do? 'Um..' began Bella, before she looked at Voldemort for support. 'Um...' echoed Voldemort, looking just as helpless as his fiancée. 'Um... Mary-Sue will be our maid of honor!' shouted Bellatrix. Voldemort nodded. 'But aren't she too young?' pondered Ginny. Voldemort's eyes flashed red. 'What was that?' 'Nothing, I-' 'Mary-Sue is perfect in every way, and thus perfectly capable of being her mother's maid of honor! How dare you imply otherwise! Avada kedavra!' And so, Ginny Potter née Weasley joined her husband in death, they got a beautiful little son named Gary-Stu, and lived - or, rather, died - happily ever after. Cissy and Bella looked at the girl's body, then at each other, before they shrugged simultaneously. 'Meh, good riddance.'

Once Ginny's body had been disposed of - it went pretty smoothly, they only had to leave it to Greyback - the big question became: what would the bride wear? Voldemort wanted black lace and very revealing stuff, but Cissy and Bella somehow managed to talk him out of it without any killing tantrum being thrown. In the end, they chose Slytherin colours, which wasn't that original, but at least everybody was more or less happy with it. Voldemort would wear white because no one would talk him out of this one, although it did look rather freaky with his chalk-pale face and glowing red eyes. As for Mary-Sue, she was wrapped in a golden blanket and levitated by Narcissa throughout the ceremony.

**Did this make you, dear readers, die of horror? If so, then please revive yourselves so that you may be able to tell exactly how f***ed up this bloody sh*t is.**


	3. Thank Merlin We're Done With This Shit

**Well, we (APieceOfGumIsNotStuckInMyHair and I) have pretty much given up trying to get you guys to stay away by now, so... we'll just go with a 'Your funeral'.**

_***WorstFicEverWorstFicEver*** _

Soon, the wedding day came. Voldemort was dashingly, devilishly, hotly, impressively, dazzlingly, strikingly sexy in his white suit. (Of course, he did have a red tie. You know, just for the sake of variation. But he was secretly planning to turn it white when no-one was looking, just like Bellatrix was going to loosen her corset at the first opportunity.) Rodolphus were standing awkwardly behind him, trying to blend in with the others. He was having a bit difficulty there - everyone were staring at him (Except Voldemort and Luna - the former was looking into air because he had a sinister feeling that the invisible ghosts of Harry and Ginny were playing quidditch, and the latter was having a staring contest with the window.), when suddenly the wedding march started.

Bellatrix came in, and she looked amazingly, astoundingly, breathtakingly, beautifully, gorgeously perfect in her silver and green dress. Behind her came Mary-Sue, looking like a sweet, lovely, adorable, heart-breaking little angel in her golden blanket with the initials BV. Narcissa was right behind her, dressed in a black and white bikini. Black because she was a widow, white because she was a bridesmaid, and bikini because she wanted a new husband. Behind her came Minerva McGonagall (Bellatrix had not been so happy about that at first - she had suspected that Voldemort and Minerva had had a fling back at Hogwarts. Fortunately, though, Voldemort had convinced Bellatrix to let the old lady participate - 'Oh, come on! As soon as the rumor about Minnie - (MINNIE?) I mean, um, that old hag - and Horace Slughorn got around, no-one as much as touched her.' 'Then why do you want her to be there?' 'I... um... So that we can make fun of her! You know, 'accidentally' let her and Slughorn sit next to her, 'accidentally' let it slip to Rita... You invited her, right?' 'Rita Skeeter? Of course!') dressed in muggle jeans and a white t-shirt that said 'My sister and I are weird - does that make us Weird Sisters?'. Finally, after Minerva, Draco was trying as hard as he could to balance on his high heels: Narcissa had somehow convinced him to wear a dress, make-up, high heels and a wig. He'd done everything within his power to protest, of course, but Cissy refused to back down, and so, he somehow found himself wearing a blue sundress with white flowers embroidered around his waist, a stylish, blonde wig and heels high enough to make all the ladies (And, for some reason, Albus Dumbledore too) in the room flinch in sympathy.

Finally, after a painfully slow march, the stunning women (And man) made it to the altar, and it took all of Voldemort's self-control to keep him from taking Bellatrix right there and then. (Although a few droplets of drool managed to escape the corner of his mouth. Bellatrix found that very sexy, and if they'd been alone, she would have been licking those droplets of... She'd been licking several things...)

The couple stared into each other's eyes, oblivious to everything else, and so, when it was time for their vows, Rodolphus had to slap Voldemort several times across the face to get his attention. ('Is it just me imagining things', thought the priest to himself, 'Or is that man taking a bit too much pleasure out of slapping the groom?') Voldemort blinked. 'Hm? Where am I? Oh. Right. Wedding.' He then gave his words to stand by Bellatrix's side for 'til death did them apart, before he turned his attention over to Bella, who'd been about to give her vows when she met Voldemort's eyes.

Let us just say that Narcissa had to snap her fingers in front of her face several times before Bella realized that she was supposed to get married now – she could stare at Voldemort later. Stuttering, she gave him his vows, and now it was time for their rings.

A furious Rodolphus summoned the golden bands with a wave of his wand, and held them up for the delighted couple.  
Voldemort picked Bellatrix up in his arms and carried her through the manor and into the bed, leaving Mary-Sue in Narcissa's care for the next ten hours. Throwing his new wife on the four poster bed, he started tearing her clothes off, as she did the same with him. In no time they were entwined, crying out of joy as they made very loving love.

The couple then cuddled happily, sighing in bliss and kissing a lot. Voldemort paused, leaning away from Bellatrix's greedy mouth. 'I think you deserve a reward Bella... After being such a good little wife... Oh yes you have... Actually we both deserve rewards. How about we had another baby?'  
Bellatrix beamed up at him. 'Ooooooh, my love, you're so generous! Thank you! Wait a minute... can't we get someone else to carry the child for me? There has to be a way. I've already become a bit chubbier after our darlin' li'l pumpkin, I shall not become a Molly Weasley!'  
Voldemort pondered. 'You are absolutely right my beauty. I'll research for a way to let the baby grow out of your glorious body. Why not an eggshell for instance? Never mind, let's conceive in marital bliss now.'  
Bella giggled her agreement as her husband assaulted her again. Narcissa could watch Mary-Sue a little bit longer, it wasn't as if she had her own alive husband to come home to.

Meanwhile, Narcissa was downstairs in the drawing room, entertaining Mary-Sue with a blanket she'd enchanted to talk. At the moment, it was discussing advanced Founder's magic with Mary-Sue in Parseltongue, but of course, Cissy didn't know what they were talking about. Not that she cared. All she could think of was the sounds from upstairs – giggles, shouts, screams of ecstasy, and, to sicken her even more, she could even hear their little conversation about a new child! Not that she didn't want another family member, she just... She didn't want to be the surrogate. It would ruin any chance she may have had left of getting a new husband.

Thinking of new husbands... She looked over at Rodolphus' bloodied, mangled body, as he lay on the stone floor with severe injuries.  
'Hm', thought Cissy to herself, 'Looks like that hot piece of Heaven survived. And... we're both single... And I'm sure Bella won't mind...'  
Grinning, she walked sexily over to the poor, defenseless man, and...  
Rodolphus screamed.  
Narcissa stared down at the thrashing man on the floor for a while, shocked that his reaction to her womanly charm was so... violent. But it was probably normal for poor darling Roddie to have a strong reaction to gloriously gorgeous women by now, with all that he had suffered for Bella. And the shock was bound to be even greater with her. After all, Bella was still really pretty, no doubt, but her hair... and her face... and her breasts... Yes, no wonder the Dark Lord had chosen her. They... fitted... each other...  
Smirking to herself, Cissy went down on her knees slowly, licking her lips in a sexy way. Leaning her face to the side, she patted Rodolphus' cheek, carefully avoiding the drool. 'Hush now, my dear. You've got nothing to fear with me, I'm not dangerous, I'm not unfaithful and I'm not interested in snakey-snakey men. I only wish for a husband, you know.'  
Rodolphus whined and panted desperately, trying his best to crawl away from her, but she held him in place with a lazy flick of her wand.  
'Come now, dear. Don't be shy. Not with me...'  
But just as she was putting her hands on Rodolphus' chest, trying her best to view the blood as something sexy to lick off, a babyish whine came from behind her. Actually, from far behind her. Quite far. The corridor. Maybe the garden. Where it was dark and drunk Death Eaters and snakes would be wandering about. Narcissa said something very unladylike then. 'Fuck'

Mary-Sue was still very young, but she seemed to know of the Great Truths of this World already. And she made sure that one of them was respected: Everyone couldn't get their happily ever after. The little girl's first magic illuminated the whole floor. From above, Voldemort and Bellatrix heard the great crash and interrupted their coupling, although they had been in a position so very interesting and... disturbing that the authors do not wish to share it with eventual readers. They rushed towards the window, and then down the stairs where Bellatrix scooped up a giggling Mary Sue and tickled her belly with pride and delight. The little girl had committed her very first murder. Voldemort was convinced then that he could teach the fine art of Horcrux-making by her seventh birthday.  
All was well.

_***WorstFicEverWorstFicEver*** _

**Did you hate this as much as we did? Flame us, then! **


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